3 Steps Forward and 2 Steps back

I'm going to be honest, Negative Nancy might be writing most part of this post. To start, yesterday morning, while straightening my hair, an ant bit me on the ankle. I know you're thinking "Oh, waa." Except I am allergic to insect bites. Thus far, I had not had any major issues, but if you understand allergic reactions, you know each exposure can produce more severe reactions. My ankle swelled up pretty bad. After work, I thought no biggie, I'll pop a Benadryl and call it a day. (Expecting the swelling to be gone in the morning.) The irritation actually woke me up at 3:00 in the morning and I had to ice it in order to have some comfort. Still going with my usual, "it will heal itself" attitude, this was my ankle, or should I say CANKLE,  at the end of the day:

Yes, one small ant caused THIS! So needless to say, with minor convincing, Jeff got me to go to the Redi Clinic. Before we went, I called ahead to make sure they could treat a reaction like this. When I met with the nurse practitioner, she was shocked! She had thought it was strange for someone to call in about one ant bite and was expecting a laughable bite. She said she had never seen any reaction like this from one bite before! She prescribed me an antibiotic and a steroid (which hinders sleep, hence the midnight post). The really lame part, we leave for New York Thursday morning! Considering it's pretty painful to walk and our entire trip will be filled with walking, I'm really hoping this heals quickly. This leads me into event #2 of the day.

Since we are going to NY, I had started packing our suitcases. Jeff's suitcase was laying on the floor in our bedroom (next to an exterior wall) and what do ya know? The ankle biting ant had invited all his buddies and Jeff's entire suitcase was filled with ants! I'm so glad I wasn't home because I'm pretty sure I would have had a panic attack! Lucky Jeff got to come home to this... so I'm more venting for him here because my wonderful husband had it all taken care of by the time I got home! The only annoying thing for me will be having to re-fold and re-pack his suitcase. (But I'll take that over killing a bazillion ants anyday!)

But, the real kicker of the day was the call I received from Dr. Wheeler. He had called with my blood results. Good news, my liver and cholesterol are good (whatever). Not so good news, the thing he thought was some sort of follicle in my ovary (apparently this is a good thing) was really just a cyst. (He can tell this somehow by the estrogen levels in my blood). I felt instantly like all the positive things from Friday's appointment were completely negated! He did reassure me that I was still making progress and that the meds are working, but I couldn't help but feel bummed.

Now that Negative Nancy has had her turn, I will try to end with Positive Patty. I'm going to be working from home tomorrow (which is always nice) since I have to keep my foot elevated and iced (periodically), which should give me some rest before our trip and hopefully help my ankle to heal. Plus, Jeff and I leave for NY on Thursday and we have lots of fun scheduled! I'm really looking forward to an exciting vacation with my hubby! I hope to have some great pics to post when we get back!

Way to Go Ovaries!

So Friday I went to my doctor's appointment. I don't know why, but I was so anxious. Maybe it was just the unknown (that has a tendency to get me worked up). I just didn't know what was next or what he would find on the ultrasound. After all, the last ultrasound didn't go so well.

Surprisingly, the ultrasound went exceptionally well! There was finally good news! Dr. Wheeler said the medication is working to treat the PCOS! (Sigh of relief!) It was so refreshing to hear something good and to see that progress is being made. The even better part... he believes I will get pregnant by the end of the year!!! (And he doesn't think I will need Clomid!) Now, that's a pretty huge thing to say. (Negative Nancy is trying to come out a little here and say, "stop getting my hopes up! What if it doesn't happen?!?!" But I'm resisting her.)

Praise God for healing! Praise God for Dr. Wheeler! And praise God for this medication!

Our visit was informative as always. Dr. Wheeler is more than willing to answer any and all of my questions.

Q: Does Clomid increase your chances of multiples greater than Twins?
A: Yes. A regular (non-clomid medicated) women has a 1% chance of having twins and a 1 in 10,000 chance of triplets. A women on Clomid has a 5% chance of having twins and a 1 in 500 chance of triplets. (And, during Dr. Wheeler's career, he has had one Clomid patient deliver quadruplets!)

Q: Should we be concerned about the weight loss? (Asked of course by my sincerely concerned but nagging husband)
A: No. She (I) is naturally a smaller person and is at a healthy weight. The medication takes getting used to. It is important to eat six times a day even if sometimes it's only a snack as big as the palm of your hand.

And the winner...
Q: Should I be charting my cycle? (Because I'm really not sure how to do this)
A: What's the point??? Just have a lot of intercourse! (He suggests rotating each month from even days to odd days... okay Jeff, how much did you have to pay him to say this ;)

After a visit full of learning and laughter, we left for date day!

Jeff and I both took the day off! And since Dr. Wheeler's office is downtown,  we decided to spend date day in Houston. (Date day was Jeff's idea... how sweet! <3) We had an absolutely delicious lunch at the Cheesecake Factory followed by some shopping at the Galleria!

Good news, good food, good times, great God!

Well Hello Stranger!

Unfortunately, I have not noticed a change as far as the PCOS goes. My cycle had still appeared to be non-existent... that is, until today. Yes (I'm pretty sure I've already scared away any guy who thought he would read this blog so I will continue), six months and Aunt Flo decided to pay me a visit! Not that I would have EVER considered THIS something to be joyful about (and the agonizing cramps continue to remind me of that) but this could be exactly what my body needs to get pregnant! I'm going to attempt to hold back on my Negative Nancy tendencies (which want to say, great, this happens the week I schedule my doctor's appointment!) and instead be all Positive Patty about it!

I'm both looking forward to and nervous about my appointment tomorrow. I'm pretty sure we will start talking Clomid, which is a little scary, but at least I know we will be moving forward.

God is Bigger

Writing in the present now, we've been trying to get pregnant for 10 months and been receiving treatment (Metformin/Glumetza) for 6 months. It has been a long journey filled with broken hopes, supportive friends and family, physical and emotional pain, lessons learned, and of course the great advice people give, probably, becasue they just don't know what to say. My favorite of these being (obviously) "just don't think about it."  Now, I know people say this with good intentions, but come on! Let's get real! My entire life is now filled with doctor's appointments, blood tests, "charting," and medication... not to mention this is, with out a doubt, the thing I want most in life! So sure, let me just "not think about it!"

At this point though, I can really laugh at this advice and appreciate someone caring enough to attempt to provide some words of wisdom. And honestly, there is a bright side to all this.

My insulin resistance has improved tremendously (Praise Jesus!). I no longer have to eat constantly which, of course, has resulted in weight loss (and what woman would complain about that?). The downside, the medication also makes you pretty sick (possibly also contributing to the weight loss). Apparently, it takes your body a while to adjust.

At my three month check up with Dr. Wheeler, I had explained to him my symptoms and he was shocked that I had continued the treatment. (Like I said, it can make you pretty sick and I was feeling this everyday for three months!) He actually switched me to the brand name of the medication (Glumetza), which has been known to be softer on the stomach. And, I will say, I have noticed improvement, although it's not 100% better. I feel like it's a small sacrifice to achieve my goal.

Throughout this whole process I've found that it is extremely easy to lose hope and feel alone. But the best thing I've learned from all of this, especially at my weakest moments, is to praise God! Not to praise God inspite of this condition, but to praise God BECAUSE of this condition! This may sound strange, but going through this means it's part of God's plan.  So if it is God's will for me to go through all this to make me the person He wants me to be, baby or no baby, well then, I am thankful for that because God has a plan and it is for good! (Jeramiah 29:11) There's no way for me to fully understand what God has instore for me or exactly why I am going through this, but I TRUST in HIM who works all things for good (Romans 8:28)! God is bigger than PCOS and infertility! Praise Jesus!

Dr. Wonderful

Prior to our date night (ref previous post), Jeff had been talking with a coworker who happened to be at his location (which is rare) and he mentioned my new diagnosis. Shockingly, she had PCOS too! (What are the chances?!?!) Not only was she able to offer some advice and encouragement, but she recommended an amazing doctor, Dr. Wheeler. He is a reproductive endocrinology-infertility (REI) and OB/GYN who specializes in PCOS.

Jeff talked me into making an appointment and I was scheduled to be seen within a few days (amazing for a doctor's office, right?)

I had no idea what to expect but it couldn't be much worse than my last doctor's visit. So Jeff and I commuted downtown, had a short wait and into Dr. Wheeler's office we went where he talked with us for over an hour. Now, this is unheard of! A doctor who will literally talk (and listen) to you for any amount of time let alone an hour!

And to top it off, he is personable, funny, and probably the most intelligent person I've ever met. Not to mention, extremely intuitive. After talking to Jeff and I for only a few moments, he had both our personalities pegged and knew how to relate to us accordingly.

Dr. Wheeler was pretty impressed with my prior doctor's diagnosis. Apparently, I am not the typical case which makes me more difficult to diagnose. (PCOS is more predominant in darker skinned, darker eyed, overweight women, which I am not) He went on to explain to us that this diagnosis and treatment more than likely saved my life. (Now here's a praise Jesus moment!) 

Dr. Wheeler also offered so much hope! I believe his statistics (which he should know, he's also a statistician) were 90% of women with PCOS get pregnant with treatment of Metformin and 80% within the first year! Now this sounds a lot better than "you're stuck!"

Jeff and I left the doctor's office grinning from ear to ear... which was a pretty big change from our previous experiences. We felt so comforted by Dr. Wheeler and blessed to have found him!

Pickin' Myself up by the Bootstraps

So now that I’ve had my pitty party, it was time to be a little more proactive. I had Googled the heck out of PCOS. I learned some important things. But my amazing husband came up with the idea of a Friday date night. We would go to dinner and then to the bookstore where we could look for books about PCOS so we could be better informed. (What a great idea!?!)

After a yummy dinner we went to Borders where I found just what I was looking for. Surprisingly, quite a few books on the topic. While skimming through A Patient's Guide to PCOS I was shocked to find that PCOS is directly related to insulin resistance!

Back up 7 or so years. During high school I thought something was wrong with me. I would get faint real easily. Being as small as I was (bout a hundred pounder), I thought maybe I had anemia. But that was disproved. Then, in college, I started having more symptoms. (dizziness, faintness, rapid heart beat, chest pain, panic attacks, etc.) In anatomy class I learned about Mitral Valve Prolapse and just knew that was my problem. I was checked out by a cardiologist and sure enough, I had it. I didn’t need to take any medication, but it gave me peace of mind to know why I was having the symptoms. Then, as time went on, some of my symptoms got worse. This time it seemed directly linked to eating. If I didn’t eat every 1-2 hours I would get shaky and, occasionally, blackout (no biggie). I finally went to the doctor (Per Jeff’s orders) and they checked everything. Nothing. The doctor couldn’t explain my symptoms. Feeling like I was delusional, I left it at that.

So a year later, here I am reading about insulin resistance and I’m oddly excited to learn that this may in fact be what I have! I’m not delusional! (Jeff may argue this point at times)

Insulin resistance (to put it simply): a condition in which the body produces insulin but does not use it properly. Since the body doesn't process the insulin as needed, it continues to produce more and more insulin. The increased insulin levels in the blood causes excess levels of male hormones (i.e. testosterone), which heightens the PCOS symptoms.
There is peace in understanding. Just being properly informed of what is going on, especially with your own body, is liberating!

And, the next great piece of info I learned was that one of the prescriptions my doctor had prescribed, Metformin, is a medication used to treat Type II Diabetes and Insulin Resistance. Basically, by treating the Insulin Resistance, you minimize the affects of PCOS.

Dinner: $25, Book: $16; Understanding just what the heck is going on with you: PRICELESS

STUCK

Off to the doctor! After I explained my situation to the doctor, he seemed concerned. He highly doubted that my “theory” was likely to be the case, and when I asked if it could have to do with the bc still being in my system (I had taken the 3 month kind), he did not think that was the issue either. Ummm… okay, then wHaT?!?! He wanted me to have some blood work done and come back to get an ultrasound and the results. So I left a little discouraged and with no answers.

It was back for appointment #2 and, with hubby in hand, I was ready. Okay, ready for the ultrasound… wait… what? … what kind of ultrasound is this? (If you’ve ever been pregnant, you know exactly what kind it is… not pleasant) The nurse proceeded to tell me what we wanted to see… basically an “organized” uterus. No problem! I should pass with flying colors! After all, I’m the queen of organization! I think Jeff and I even laughed a little at her use of words.

So, since she was pretty quiet and it seemed to be taking like a bazillion years, I asked if I looked “organized.” Her response: “No.” The tears were welling up now. I think I had managed to handle the process pretty well thus far but at this point, I knew something was wrong. The doctor came in and gave it a look and it was at that moment that he diagnosed me with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). It was like all the air had been sucked out of the room and I couldn't catch my breath. Something’s wrong with me??? But I’m in good shape and I’m young and... nothings suppose to be wrong with me!

Into his office we went where he proceeded to give us a brief description of PCOS. In lam-en's terms, my hormones are out of whack causing my cycles to be irregular and making it more difficult to get pregnant.

So what to do next? He started by giving me two prescriptions (with little explanation). Then he mentioned Clomid and asked if I had fertility insurance. Uh, no! (How many people have fertility insurance?!?!?!) His exact words: “Well, then we’re STUCK.” I thought I was going to throw up. My whole life, I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I felt like I was made for it! How can we be stuck???

He continued by saying that for me to go on Clomid would be WAAAAY to expensive if I didn’t have insurance to cover it. Of course, I asked, “well, just HOW expensive?” Dr.: “Oh, extremely expensive. It’s not the medicine that’s expensive it’s the whole process of being monitored while on the medicine.” I believe I continued to ask for a cost estimation (psh, I could be a millionaire for all he knows… I’m not… but still!) in which he was able to completely disregard my question by repeating it was just “way too expensive.”
And that’s the note I left the doctor’s office on. Completely defeated, confused, and a little angry. How could he say we are stuck??? Isn’t it a little early for that??? And, of course, as a Christian, it really erked me because I KNOW that with God, you are never “STUCK.” (Luke 1:37)

I waited until I reach the car to have a complete and utter emotional break down. Jeff sat with me while I sobbed in the car. And then it was time for both of us to go to work. Great. This should be easy. I’ve just been told that my life long goal of being a mom may never be realized and I have to go out to a client, sit in a small office with two of my coworkers and perform an audit. Yay. (Sense the sarcasm?)

Of course I call my best friend, Kels, while I’m driving to my client and tell her everything (all the while sobbing). And of course she attempts to console me. Okay, I’ve let it all out now. I can go to work and get through the day. Luckily I was working with one of my good friends, Sharon, so I decided to call her to tell her I was on my way and what had happened. Surely I can hold it together telling the story for a second time? Nope. I proceeded to loose it again. And the rest of the day went something like that.