It's not something that I really like to admit. I wish I could just walk around confidently in my own skin. But the truth is, I have a horrible self body image. I've always been very self conscious. Of course I could go on and on about experiences in my own life as well as just our society in general which has shaped my unhealthy view of myself, but I won't.
I always knew this was an issue for me but it hit me hard when I started serving as a leader for high school girls in our church and even harder when I found out I was having a daughter. I would never want my high school girls to feel so insecure about themselves and I certainly don't want my daughter to feel this way.
It's something I'm working on. But lets face it, being a hormonal prego, rapidly gaining weight and breaking out in acne is not making this easy.
Yesterday I had a complete breakdown. I had my 26 week doctor's appointment. My blood pressure was good and Hollyn's little heartbeat sounded great. But when the doctor came in, he was very concerned about the amount of sugar in my urine. He asked when and what I had eaten for lunch. (It was 2:00 and I had eaten a PBJ on whole wheat toast (organic PB and J so less sugar), chips and a glass of milk at 12:00). He immediately asked if I could go down stairs and take my blood glucose test right away. Then he mentioned that I had gained a lot of weight. (20lbs at 26 weeks... in range in my pregnancy books). He commented on how I had gained 8 of those pounds in four weeks and inquired if I was eating healthy. Then he told me to stay away from too many carbs and fatty foods. (REALLY??? Just what I needed. My doctor telling me I'm FAT!) And that was that. No time for questions. Just straight to get my test done.
I don't think he realized the damage of his comments. His words left me feeling extremely depressed and scrutinizing every bite I take. I've been trying to convince myself that he's just extra concerned about my weight because of its correlation with gestational diabetes (which I'm at a higher risk for). But I'm not easily convinced.
And to make matters worse, now I'm left waiting for test results which could tell me I have gestational diabetes... ugh.
Please pray for Hollyn's health... and mine.