STUCK

Off to the doctor! After I explained my situation to the doctor, he seemed concerned. He highly doubted that my “theory” was likely to be the case, and when I asked if it could have to do with the bc still being in my system (I had taken the 3 month kind), he did not think that was the issue either. Ummm… okay, then wHaT?!?! He wanted me to have some blood work done and come back to get an ultrasound and the results. So I left a little discouraged and with no answers.

It was back for appointment #2 and, with hubby in hand, I was ready. Okay, ready for the ultrasound… wait… what? … what kind of ultrasound is this? (If you’ve ever been pregnant, you know exactly what kind it is… not pleasant) The nurse proceeded to tell me what we wanted to see… basically an “organized” uterus. No problem! I should pass with flying colors! After all, I’m the queen of organization! I think Jeff and I even laughed a little at her use of words.

So, since she was pretty quiet and it seemed to be taking like a bazillion years, I asked if I looked “organized.” Her response: “No.” The tears were welling up now. I think I had managed to handle the process pretty well thus far but at this point, I knew something was wrong. The doctor came in and gave it a look and it was at that moment that he diagnosed me with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). It was like all the air had been sucked out of the room and I couldn't catch my breath. Something’s wrong with me??? But I’m in good shape and I’m young and... nothings suppose to be wrong with me!

Into his office we went where he proceeded to give us a brief description of PCOS. In lam-en's terms, my hormones are out of whack causing my cycles to be irregular and making it more difficult to get pregnant.

So what to do next? He started by giving me two prescriptions (with little explanation). Then he mentioned Clomid and asked if I had fertility insurance. Uh, no! (How many people have fertility insurance?!?!?!) His exact words: “Well, then we’re STUCK.” I thought I was going to throw up. My whole life, I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I felt like I was made for it! How can we be stuck???

He continued by saying that for me to go on Clomid would be WAAAAY to expensive if I didn’t have insurance to cover it. Of course, I asked, “well, just HOW expensive?” Dr.: “Oh, extremely expensive. It’s not the medicine that’s expensive it’s the whole process of being monitored while on the medicine.” I believe I continued to ask for a cost estimation (psh, I could be a millionaire for all he knows… I’m not… but still!) in which he was able to completely disregard my question by repeating it was just “way too expensive.”
And that’s the note I left the doctor’s office on. Completely defeated, confused, and a little angry. How could he say we are stuck??? Isn’t it a little early for that??? And, of course, as a Christian, it really erked me because I KNOW that with God, you are never “STUCK.” (Luke 1:37)

I waited until I reach the car to have a complete and utter emotional break down. Jeff sat with me while I sobbed in the car. And then it was time for both of us to go to work. Great. This should be easy. I’ve just been told that my life long goal of being a mom may never be realized and I have to go out to a client, sit in a small office with two of my coworkers and perform an audit. Yay. (Sense the sarcasm?)

Of course I call my best friend, Kels, while I’m driving to my client and tell her everything (all the while sobbing). And of course she attempts to console me. Okay, I’ve let it all out now. I can go to work and get through the day. Luckily I was working with one of my good friends, Sharon, so I decided to call her to tell her I was on my way and what had happened. Surely I can hold it together telling the story for a second time? Nope. I proceeded to loose it again. And the rest of the day went something like that.